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Lavender Labia
Lavender Labia

mildlyamused:

Guys heads up. When women try to talk to you about rape culture and you start deflecting with hypothetical gray situations, all we hear is you trying to convince yourself that you haven’t been an unknowing rapist in your past.

This is everything I have ever tried to convey, but explained really succinctly and awesomely. Thank you!

miss-rjs:

To the guys that don’t want to be assumed to be a potential rapist, because it makes them uncomfortable:

There isn’t a day in my life that goes by where I don’t think about the sexual aggressions and assaults I’ve been a victim of. I think you can handle someone being a little weary of you. For them it’s more than discomfort, it’s their life.

YES. And let’s be honest, these men probably feel uncomfortable because they’ve had sex in the past where they’ve not been 100% certain if their partner consented. Here’s hoping that uncomfortableness causes them to make absolutely damn sure next time.

It’s simple really. If you have *ANY* inkling that your partner might not want to fuck you, or even a flicker of concern they might accuse you of rape, DON’T HAVE SEX WITH THEM. It’s as simple as that. If you’re worried there has been some sort of “miscommunication” then DON’T HAVE SEX WITH THEM. Seriously. DON’T HAVE SEX. Be certain or get out of there. 

[TW: rape, internalised victim blaming]

friendlyangryfeminist:

The thing about survival mechanisms is: they aren’t healing, they’re meant to be a stop gap measure to keep you from bleeding out.

I survived the immediate aftermath of my rape by justifying it as something I deserved. Otherwise, I might’ve died from the fear that my rape happened merely because there were men who raped me.

And of course, years later, I know that isn’t true that I deserved being raped. Nothing I could’ve done would have made me deserve rape or abuse. Nothing.

Yet the years I clung to that survival mechanism have left me entirely divorced from thinking critically and rationally - and how I think about every other person in the world who survived rape - and how I feel when thinking about my own situation. 

There is nothing wrong with survival mechanisms but when they’re all you have: because a lack of access to resources, because of whatever - they can warp you. They really, really can.

I am surprised by how much sex I have had in my life that I didn’t want to have. Not exactly what’s considered “real” rape, or “date” rape, although it is a kind of rape of the spirit - a dishonest portrayal or distortion of my own desire in order to appease another person.

I said yes because I felt it was too much trouble to say no. I said yes because I didn’t want to have to defend my “no,” qualify it, justify it - deserve it. I said yes because I thought I was so ugly and fat that I should just take sex every time it was offered, because who knew when it would be offered again. I said yes to partners I never wanted in the first place, because to say no at any point after saying yes for so long would make our entire relationship a lie, so I had to keep saying yes in order to keep the “no” I felt a secret. That is such a messed-up way to live, such an awful way to love.

So these days, I say yes only when I mean yes. It does require some vigilance on my part to make sure I don’t just go on sexual automatic pilot and let people do whatever. It forces me to be really honest with myself and others. It makes me remember that loving myself is also about protecting myself and defending my own borders. I say yes to me.

Margaret Cho, “Yes Means Yes”
[TW: rape, vaginal injuries, surgical procedures]

lavenderlabia:

Funding refused for rape survivor

By Brenda Vowden

image

Jacqui Scott does not want to die early. But if the 61-year-old doesn’t find $200,000 before March 5 next year, there is every possibility she will.

Ms Scott was attacked and raped in 2005, resulting in injuries that had required surgery.

Two surgical mesh devices - one of them a Prolift Total Pelvic Floor Repair System, the biggest mesh ever made - were inserted during a nine-hour operation at Auckland Hospital.

A year later she was still having symptoms - disabling pain in her abdomen, back and legs. “I started to query it because I was in a huge amount of pain.

"I kept going to the hospital and having cystoscopies - I was always told there was nothing wrong and it was just the stress from the attack and all in my head," she said.

She “tried everything” but was unable to obtain a medical explanation or any help in New Zealand. After extensive online research, she found an article about health problems caused by erosion and shrinkage of the implants.

She requested a copy of her medical records and found that both of the mesh implants used in her surgery are on the US Food and Drug Administration’s (FDA) list of medical devices that have caused adverse events. There was also a warning of the many severe complications associated with the implants.

She says she wasn’t informed about the potential for complications.

Suffering extreme pain from nerve damage, limited mobility, a compromised immune system, bouts of shingles, teeth and hair loss and severe depression, last year Jacqui paid to see a surgeon in Wellington, who confirmed her fears and told her the pain was real - her mesh had eroded.

Since that visit, she has seen several surgeons who have said the Prolift mesh system, of which she has the only one in the country, can’t be removed in New Zealand.

"It was designed to be put in once and never removed. The manufacturers are being sued overseas for defective product, failure to warn and damages."

Jacqui says the mesh is breaking off into slivers and travelling through her abdomen.

"It’s not very nice - there’s a lot of pain. I could become too sick to have it removed."

There is no one in New Zealand trained to remove the mesh, and ACC has denied her request to fund the operation overseas. “They just dropped me. My case manager told me if they said yes, it will cost the country thousands of dollars because it will open the door to other people. I burst into tears.”

Ms Scott has been offered the surgery in March next year by two American doctors and has an appointment to have the mesh removed by Dr Schlomo Raz, a urogynaecologist at UCLA Medical Center in Los Angeles, who is a recognised world-class expert.

Dr Raz has described the growing number of women suffering from mesh implant complications as an “epidemic”.

Jacqui doesn’t have the funds to travel to the US.

She must raise US$200,000 to cover the surgery and travel expenses.

She has set up an online fundraising site on Givealittle and is hoping for help from a sympathetic public.

"I feel like I’m one of New Zealand’s dirty little secrets - I’m being swept under the carpet, tossed aside.

"It’s way, way cruel - it’s not the rape that’s going to kill me, it’s the mesh."

It is utterly despicable that this isn’t covered through public health or ACC. Please donate and/or signal boost if you are able. Any help is appreciated. 

[TW: rape, vaginal injuries, surgical procedures discussed in OP]

collegemomintraining reblogged your post and added:

In America, you sue the hospital/doctor for double or triple the money you need to get it fixed, get it fixed, then enjoy retirement.

Be loud and make them pay. Not only with money, but with their reputation.

Also, noticed a mistake in the article. She needs NZD$200,000, not USD. In USD she needs approximately $165160.00 - just over $165k.

Unfortunately (or fortunately in most cases) you can’t sue people in New Zealand. Well, at least not like you can in the States. Instead we have ACC (Accident Compensation Corporation) which is funded by taxes and meant to pay for injury treatment on a no-fault basis. In the article it says ACC approved her claim and they will have paid for her treatment so far. But, being the cock-knuckles that ACC are, they have decided her current situation falls outside the scope of ‘treatment arising from her original injury’. Which is outrageous, especially considering their current 4.9 billion dollar surplus. Sadly they are another casualty of neoliberal privatisation, and have completely lost sight of their intended purpose. 

And thanks for clarifying the exchange rate. You are correct. The amount required in US dollars is slightly more than $165,000 — which hopefully sounds more achievable! 

mythicalboobies reblogged your post and added:

SHAME ON YOU New Zealand, you were one of the only countries I liked :(

For the most part New Zealand successfully portrays itself as a utopian paradise. Sadly it is merely a facade.  

bbllacckk reblogged your post and added:

This woman was RAPED and now may die early as direct consequence of the injuries received because she has been denied public health coverage. I’m outraged that not only will public health or ACC not cover this, but that forcing the monster who caused that damage to pay isn’t an option. Ugh.

themaninthearena reblogged your post and added:

Well, this is super upsetting.

asleepinthestreets reblogged your post and added:

Guys, this is seriously upsetting. I don’t have a lot of followers, but I’m going to post this for a bit because I just can’t believe how few notes it’s gotten. Even if you can’t donate, signal boost. #MoneyForJaqui

gabeandgrays reblogged your post and added:

Oh my God, we SUCK! What the fuck New Zealand?! Need to spread this shit around so that she can get the funds to travel overseas. Arsewanks at ACC :/

Thank you to everyone who has reblogged. She’s almost reached 10% of her goal amount which is encouraging. 

It makes me unspeakably wild that this woman is being revictimised by the system. As if she hasn’t been through enough already! ACC are absolute cock-knuckles.

[TW: rape, vaginal injuries, surgical procedures]

Funding refused for rape survivor

By Brenda Vowden

Jacqui Scott does not want to die early. But if the 61-year-old doesn’t find $200,000 before March 5 next year, there is every possibility she will.

Ms Scott was attacked and raped in 2005, resulting in injuries that had required surgery.

Two surgical mesh devices - one of them a Prolift Total Pelvic Floor Repair System, the biggest mesh ever made - were inserted during a nine-hour operation at Auckland Hospital.

A year later she was still having symptoms - disabling pain in her abdomen, back and legs. “I started to query it because I was in a huge amount of pain.

"I kept going to the hospital and having cystoscopies - I was always told there was nothing wrong and it was just the stress from the attack and all in my head," she said.

She “tried everything” but was unable to obtain a medical explanation or any help in New Zealand. After extensive online research, she found an article about health problems caused by erosion and shrinkage of the implants.

She requested a copy of her medical records and found that both of the mesh implants used in her surgery are on the US Food and Drug Administration’s (FDA) list of medical devices that have caused adverse events. There was also a warning of the many severe complications associated with the implants.

She says she wasn’t informed about the potential for complications.

Suffering extreme pain from nerve damage, limited mobility, a compromised immune system, bouts of shingles, teeth and hair loss and severe depression, last year Jacqui paid to see a surgeon in Wellington, who confirmed her fears and told her the pain was real - her mesh had eroded.

Since that visit, she has seen several surgeons who have said the Prolift mesh system, of which she has the only one in the country, can’t be removed in New Zealand.

"It was designed to be put in once and never removed. The manufacturers are being sued overseas for defective product, failure to warn and damages."

Jacqui says the mesh is breaking off into slivers and travelling through her abdomen.

"It’s not very nice - there’s a lot of pain. I could become too sick to have it removed."

There is no one in New Zealand trained to remove the mesh, and ACC has denied her request to fund the operation overseas. “They just dropped me. My case manager told me if they said yes, it will cost the country thousands of dollars because it will open the door to other people. I burst into tears.”

Ms Scott has been offered the surgery in March next year by two American doctors and has an appointment to have the mesh removed by Dr Schlomo Raz, a urogynaecologist at UCLA Medical Center in Los Angeles, who is a recognised world-class expert.

Dr Raz has described the growing number of women suffering from mesh implant complications as an “epidemic”.

Jacqui doesn’t have the funds to travel to the US.

She must raise US$200,000 to cover the surgery and travel expenses.

She has set up an online fundraising site on Givealittle and is hoping for help from a sympathetic public.

"I feel like I’m one of New Zealand’s dirty little secrets - I’m being swept under the carpet, tossed aside.

"It’s way, way cruel - it’s not the rape that’s going to kill me, it’s the mesh."

It is utterly despicable that this isn’t covered through public health or ACC. Please donate and/or signal boost if you are able. Any help is appreciated. 

Scientific evidence rape jokes cause rape.
What people don’t understand is when we say “Teach men not to rape,” we’re not talking about telling them not to jump out of the bushes in a ski mask and grab the nearest female. We’re talking about the way we teach boys that masculinity is measured by power over others, and that they aren’t men unless they “get some.” We’re talking about teaching men (and women) that it’s not okay to laugh at jokes about rape and abuse. We’re talking about telling men that a lack of “No” doesn’t mean “Yes,” that if a woman is too drunk to consent they shouldn’t touch her, that dating someone - or even being married to someone - does not mean automatic consent. We’re talking about teaching boys to pay attention to the girl they’re with, and if she looks uncomfortable to stop and ask if she’s okay, because sometimes girls don’t know how to say stop in a situation like that. We’re talking about how women have the right to change their mind. Even if she’s been saying yes all night, if she says no, that’s it. It’s over. That’s what we mean when we say “Teach men not to rape.”

Kalitena

In other words, we need to teach men that they aren’t entitled to women’s bodies. 

‘Men get raped and molested,’ should be a whole sentence. If you have to tack on the word ‘too,’ then you’re using the experience of male victims to silence females instead of giving them their own space.

punkrockmermaid:

“I raped that test in math cla–” No.

“I raped that game earli–” Stop.

“The other team totally raped us tod–” Shut the fuck up.

Do you see what you’re doing?

YOU ARE MAKING RAPE SOUND LIKE A POSITIVE ACTION.

YOU ARE EQUATING SEXUAL VIOLENCE WITH ACHIEVEMENTS.

STOP.

Phrases we use to that minimize rape and abuse

friendlyangryfeminist:

I’ve used some of these phrases myself when talking about my own experiences because saying “I was raped/abused” is incredibly difficult and minimizing my own experience felt necessary at the time in order to maintain composure. 

"Taken advantage of"

"Made a mistake" (survivor and abuser)

"Drama"

Relationship issues

Family problems

"Just saying it she regretted the sex/the relationship"

"It could’ve been worse"

"But normally he’s a nice a guy"

This is a really important post, but I am wary of inadvertently policing how people talk about their own experiences. As you rightly say, it can be really difficult to admit that what happened to you was rape…I guess it’s important to remain aware of these minimising words while at the same time not pushing anyone to articulate their own experiences in ways that traumatises them further.

[TW: rape, rape fantasies, discussion of coping strategies that could upset some survivors]
PSA:

misandry-mermaid:

  • Rapists can seem like nice people
  • Rapists can get good grades
  • Rapists can have lots of friends
  • Rapists can be star athletes
  • Rapists can have other willing sex partners
  • Rapists can be famous
  • Rapists can use things other than a penis to rape
  • Rapists can not even have a penis
  • Rapists can be GSMs
  • Rapists can be attractive
  • Rapists can be in committed relationships
  • Rapists can be devoutly religious
  • Rapists can be children
  • Rapists can do good deeds like volunteering
  • Rapists can also be rape victims
  • Rapists can grow up with happy, normal childhoods
  • Rapists can not know what rape actually means
  • Rapists can use coercion, guilt and threats instead of force
  • Rapists can think they are not rapists